2015: In Which I Was Tired

It’s the end of the year, and I’m tired.

kitten tired

It’s been a good year, in a lot of ways.  I started my own business and made many discoveries about myself, several of them good, some of them far reaching.  I did not starve my family to death in the meantime, so that’s always a bonus.

My mother had a major accident.  She may end up with serious permanent disabilities, on top of her current chronic condition.  I’m, realistically, the only person in her life in a position to support her financially or emotionally.  I feel stretched very thin, and I feel very anxious about how this might play out.

kitten tired two

It’s hot at the moment.  It’s very hot: global warming plus El Nino plus I already live in one of the hottest places in which people live on Earth (probably.  You look it up.  I’m too tired).  It causes me a lot of anxiety.  I’m only this year realising how much anxiety, and how maybe that’s not entirely normal.  It occupies a lot of my mind, when it’s this hot: I spend my time talking myself down off a ledge, reminding myself that there’s no reason to panic, and I’ll get through it, and autumn will eventually come.  I have to do this over and over again, because the fear part of my brain doesn’t really listen, and it gibbers at me, rattling the bars of its cage so loudly that it can’t hear.

That’s quite tiring, as well.

I hurt someone the other day with a careless tweet, without meaning to or thinking much about it at the time, and she lambasted me pretty savagely for it.  And I have a lot to say about that, some of it sad, some of it defensive, some of it angry.  But I don’t really want to.  I just want to move on and forget about it and process it later maybe, when I’m not so tired.

tired sign

And I’m fat, and my trich is a constant struggle, and I don’t want to fight with my own body.  Can’t we all just get along?

Most of what I’m tired of is thinking and feeling.  Who knew it could be so exhausting, living life as a sentient being?  Do I really get no respite from it, because I have addictive tendencies?  That seems unfair.  I don’t drink, I don’t smoke pot, and let’s face it I need to move away from using food as a palliative.  I read a lot of books, I go for walks, I sit with my feelings.  I mean, I know what to do.

But it’s tiring.

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13 thoughts on “2015: In Which I Was Tired

  1. oh Allie…
    that’s a number of exhausting things you got going on.
    I sit with my feelings too…it’s a good trick. But having them is having them…they call to be noticed, just not lived in.
    I’m noticing your exhaustion..and I am sorry.
    I hope you feel a little better soon.
    (and where the heck do you live?)

  2. The word anxiety came up a lot there.
    Do you have a therapist to help you? I find lavender (I even take gel caps now, they work well) and magnesium before bed are two good tools for me, and I take medication every day. Anxiety is tiring.

    Being tired is a hard thing. Try to find a few minutes to sit still and just breathe.

    Hugs. I wish I could say more to help.

    Anne

    • Thanks – no, I did see a therapist a few times this year, but I found it a bit useless. I mean not to sound arrogant and self-blind, but: I know what’s going on, talking through it isn’t helpful. She basically said she didn’t think she could help give me any more insight than I already had. I am maybe thinking about CBT for the weather-anxiety stuff, now that I’ve identified it as being so far outside other people’s feelings about weather (!) but, you know. That’s referrals and appointments and then more work to do. And I’m TIRED of working on myself.

      • Yes. I hear you. Plus, it really comes down to finding ways to soothe your nerves. (And perhaps medication, but that’s a more personal choice).

        In Ayurveda they look to pacify vata when anxiety is high. Self oil massage, more warming and oily food. I’ve been working on this myself as of my general feelings are smooth I can handle ups and downs better.

        I wish there was a simple way to turn off the mind. Yoga and sleep are my friends.

  3. I see a red flag when my thoughts turn to “I can’t do this anymore”:. Here’s my mantra I say at such times:
    “Allow everything to be as it is”
    Why do i say this? Because there really is no other choice. Things are as they are, in any given moment. And, strangely enough, when I stop fighting against myself, I free up more energy to do the next right thing.

  4. Hi, Allie. I’m tired too! I think it takes a long time for our bodies to return to a normal set point after we’ve abused them for so long. You have a lot going on with family, caring for your mom, business, sweating profusely (haha), it’s a lot. It’s probably coming at you all at once and there’s pressure and stress (and that will wear you out!) Anyway, one thing at a time, it’s all going to get done in time– it’s not like someone’s going to sneak in behind our backs and take care of it for us, right??
    Happy New Year! I hope this year is a bit easier:)

  5. I hear you Allie on the anxiety thing. I didn’t realise just how anxious I was until this year – slow learner considering I stopped drinking 2 1/4 years ago! I’ve just finished listening to the anxiety pack on Headspace and it’s been really helpful. Maybe you could give it a whirl? Just a thought 🙂

    • Yes, that’s it (and I should write the post I MEANT to write, which was about that, before I devolved into whining) – I’m only now really learning how much anxiety I live with. Thanks for the rec!

  6. Oh sweet Allie, it’s 23 here, sending you some icy, cold breezes. I get the being tired, but I try to ignore it. My grandmother used to tell me I was too young to say I was tired. She kept going until she was 93, I guess if I want to follow in her footsteps I better get up and get going. Hope you feel better soon. Happy New Year!

  7. No useful advice other than that I’m sorry you are in a bad place again. CBT has worked for me in the past, and I’m currently following something called ACT (forget what it stands for) with a psychologist, though I did the CBT online, so maybe that would be an option? It’s more about finding coping strategies and mood boosters than talking about what went wrong in your childhood. A lot is probably what you already do/know e.g. going for walks, reading books etc, but it can help. But it sounds as though what you really need is some rest! No chance LH could take the kids away? Or you get away?

    Here’s hoping 2016 is better for you. Hugs.

  8. I’m so sorry you’re going through this Allie. Tired sucks. Exhausted sucks more.

    I find I get tired when I try to CONTROL that which can not be controlled (which, btw, is just about everything). I find when I stop fighting and just let things be it’s much less anxiety inducing and therefore tiring.

    I hope you find your answer soon. You deserve to be less tired.

    Sherry

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