Here I stand in the light of day

Over a thousand new people have visited this blog in the past two days.  Hi, new people!  I have a blog post almost finished for you guys.  Bear with me.

One of those people, though, was my husband.  And he raised the whole topic last night.  The short version is; firstly, he would like you all to know that he hardly ever watches Top Gear, actually.  Secondly, he had been starting to think I had a problem, yes, but he can only really see that clearly now that we’re removed from it, probably because his family drinks.  And also because although he knew I was drinking heavily, it wasn’t affecting our home life or causing any actual issues.  So it’s great that he thinks that.

However, it does change how I approach blogging here.  There are a few of my more vulnerable posts that I’ve temporarily shifted back to draft form.

I’d love to hear from you guys on this one.  Do your loved ones know that you blog?  Do they read it?  How on earth do you reconcile that, if so?



18 thoughts on “Here I stand in the light of day

  1. I love that you’ve been able to tell your husband about the blog, especially since you had been concerned that he wasn’t aware of the extent of the problem. (I think I’m remembering that correctly.) So hooray you!

    I have not told many people about my blog, and I haven’t sent anyone the link, so I’m pretty sure no one I know reads it. Like soberlearning said, I worried it would hinder me feeling free from being open and honest online, and that’s the whole point of the blog. But I don’t write about other people and I don’t say things I wouldn’t say to friends, and I usually tell my partner about my posts after I’ve written them, so maybe I’m wrong on that score.

    Good luck figuring it out. xo

    • Weeee-elll, I didn’t, though. I told him that I was blogging, but he didn’t ask to read it and I didn’t offer the URL.

      When the Virginia Woolf post blew my stats up, I mentioned it, and he took that as tacit permission to read it and went searching on his own. When we chatted yesterday, he had only read a couple of posts. I am deeply uncomfortable with him reading some of the earlier ones. But some of them are also some of the most popular ones, which makes it hard for me to take them back to draft. So I’m very conflicted. It’s not that I’m saying anything unflattering or disclosing other people’s secrets. But I am writing about my own ugliness.

      • Oh. That’s more awkward, isn’t it? And yes, it’s the writing about my own ugliness part I would worry about too. I think if you’re deeply uncomfortable, then it would be a good idea to ask him not to read the blog anymore, especially as his reading might make you more reticent and therefore cause you to lose the good support that blogging has been for you on this sober gig. And you’re doing so well, and such a great writer besides!

        (Or if he’s reading this: Hello man called LH. Talk to your wife about whether you should be reading this, OK? Maybe you shouldn’t. She might need her privacy on this front. Reread that Virginia Woolf post. Space of one’s own and so on, right? You seem a decent sort, Top Gear notwithstanding.)

        Good luck with this! xo

  2. Hmmm. My husband knows I blog, but he has never asked what I write – or if he can read it. Part of it is because he HATES to read and part is because the whole subject still makes him uncomfortable. I can tell in his voice – when he says how proud he is of me…his tone of voice changes and he just wants to change the subject. Isn’t that bizarre? Maybe because he just doesn’t understand the whole journey I’m going through. I kind of wish he wanted to know more.

  3. My husband reads on occasion, as does one good friend of mine. I try not to think about it when I write because I want to be totally honest about my thoughts and feelings, but sometimes I am more successful at that than other times. It is sorta cool to be open about your ugliness, though. That kind of vulnerability can bring you a lot closer to the people that you care about. But it is a bit uncomfortable!!

    • I’m trying to think about it in terms of, well if he still loves me after this, we’re good for life. But underneath that is the awareness that one can keep loving, and wanting to be with, someone but a streak of pity and contempt can run alongside that as well, and I hate that idea. Thanks for commenting – my replies are really long on this post because I’m still working through it.

  4. Until you are sure how you feel I would ask him not to read it.
    Consider it like a journal. Therapeutic.
    But not necessarily understandable to those closest to it.

  5. hmmm. that’s a big deal. and I’m so glad you are here and posting about it rather than setting klaxons blaring and going into shut-down mode. not just because I love reading your blog 😉 but also because from my perspective at seven months sober blogging has been, and continues to be, an invaluable tool in my staying sober. and I would hate anyone else to be divided from that source of support.

    I told my husband I blog when I was about three months sober. because it was feeling too weird to not have him know about it. and the relief when he said he didn’t want to read it was immense. because Iike you, it feels too private. but I was somewhat taken aback, I must admit. if he was pouring out his innermost fears and dreams I would like to know what they are! but perhaps he imagines it is all doom and gloom and browbeating – not the insightful, revealing and sometimes hilarious world we all know it to be.

    in your situation you must be feeling very vulnerable. so please please take very very good care of yourself in general. and vulnerability is bloody terrifying. but you do have a good chunk of time under your sober belt. which means you are standing in a position of strength when dealing with this. you have a vitality which shines through in your blog posts which is probably why Mr After is with you in the first place. and now he knows some of the darker corners, too. well, that’s what the promise is for.

    I wish you all the very best in finding a way forward that you are comfortable with. it depends upon what you want your blog to be. a diary in a bedside drawer, with all the expectations of privacy that entails? or an open letter? or somewhere in between? big hugs, as we say in blogland 😉 xxx

  6. Mr HOF knows and reads occasionally. As for wider family and friends have mentioned blog in passing but very rarely follow up even if they ask me to send them a link. I have only shared it with my sister and a very close old family friend. Have mixed feelings about it because although I don’t talk about anyone but me here really, there are passing references to my past and so it feels tricky. Know I should probably come clean with everyone but can’t quite bring myself to do it. Maybe at one year? xx

  7. The wife reads it now and then, and my folks read it as well. A few others in my extended family read it ocassionally. I don’t mind – it’s not like they don’t know about my alcoholism and such. I don’t often mention anyone else, and if I do, it’s general and obviously anonymous. It’s about the inner landscape, and so that puts the spotlight on where I am at, and what I am doing and what I need to do or perhaps can be doing. It’s about the causes and conditions that caused me to pick up, and which drives me to think and behave in certain ways still. It’s about the minutae and the big picture stuff.

    Some folks fear or are uncomfortable with others close to them reading their words – that’s totally cool, of course. I could do that as well, but figured I had had enough secrets in my life and my marriage, etc. to now start secretly posting stuff. So for me it’s about being open in many ways. Sure I am still anonymous in some ways, but as far as my family – there is no hiding there.

    And like many spouses and family, my posts aren’t often discussed. Someone may say they liked a certain one now and then, but I certainly don’t poke or prod. it’s just something I do now, like brushing my teeth or taking out the garbage…lol.

    Congrats on your big numbers.


    • Cheers Paul. I think I’m not so worried about what I say about LH himself. It’s more that I’d hate him to read about our last holiday and feel angry or sad because he didn’t know I was drinking as much as I was, and have that memory tainted. That sort of thing.

      • I understand. It’s a fine line sometimes. That’s the reason I don’t talk about certain days or holiday, or how much I truly drank when and where, etc. My family need not have to read about that. I don’t get into the war stories because I don’t need my family reliving certain parts of our history, and then realizing how much I was hiding from them. So I understand where you are coming from. As I always tell folks – it’s your blog, your rules! Some are more vague or general about things, others are more forthcoming. Also, we all get to point when we realize, holy crap -other people are reading this, and wonder if and how we change the way we write. It’s no longer a secret, quiet Dear Diary. many others are reading this, so how do we respond? It’s a personal choice. I just write the way I write, and yeah I may have to stop myself from divulging specific drinking or behaviour stories, but in the end I have to follow that inner voice within.

      • Yes, exactly. But it has been writing about those very things – the quantities, the hiding – that has got me to really understand that drinking again is just not, at all an option. I honestly had no idea how bad I was, when I started blogging. So. Yeah.

  8. Early on, when I had no idea that I would continue this “experiment” beyond a couple of months, I gave the blog address to all of my close family and friends. At this point, I would say I have about a dozen readers who follow faithfully with whom I have a personal relationship.

    Fast forward a year, and I found myself regretting the decision to allow certain members of that dozen access to my deepest thoughts. No one has done anything untoward, but it unfortunately does affect the subject matter of my posts.

    I will quickly add here, my husband is not one of them. He reads every single post, and I am happy he does so. There might be a time or two that I feel a twinge about some details he is reading, but for me the trust I am rebuilding far outweighs the discomfort I sometimes feel.

    So my final analysis: if you fear that the knowledge of him reading will limit your ability to share, then you must ensure he doesn’t read. Trust me on this one, you will be doing yourself a disservice if you don’t. On the other hand, ask yourself: might this ultimately bring a deeper connection? Only you can figure this out, and I wish you the best of luck as you decide!

    • Thanks, it’s good to hear a perspective from someone who has been open with friends. I have asked him not to read again, to which he has agreed, but I can see that it’ll take me a while to post anything very raw again anyway. Not that he’s been anything but nice about it,but still.

  9. I think asking your hubby not to read is a fine thing to do, probably the best way to go at this point. I know my husband gets uncomfortable reading some things I post occasionally (although it’s more the witchy variety than the drinking stuff) but he just stops reading.

    I have struggled to blog authentically for years, and this past year decided to “Blog like no one is reading.” Most of the time it works. It’s still tough sometimes. I’ve gotten a few angry emails from family who aren’t happy with me, but I remind them of two things: 1. What Paul said: My blog, my rules. 2. If you don’t like it, you don’t have to read it.

    I think it’s great your post brought so many people in. I thought it was fantastic and am so pleased others do too! HUGS!

  10. That’s a tough question. It’s far easier to share raw, personal emotions and thoughts with perfect strangers from all over the globe than with your family. There is more freedom when just “putting it out there” – go ahead, like it or not like it, judge me or agree with me – it doesn’t really matter. But we all want the people closest to our hearts to like what we do and to agree or at least “get it”. I would like it if my husband were just a little bit interested in my blog, but he isn’t. He will patiently listen as I tell him some things I’m working on while flicking his eyes towards the TV screen or stifling a yawn. That’s okay, I know he supports me with everything I do… whether he has an interest in it or not.
    Congratulations on a fine blog, and on your courage, bravery, and decisions. xo

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