I’m not going to drink, I just want a space to sulk about it

I’m working long, physical days at the moment, juggling a million things and ending the day exhausted. These are the times when I’d usually drink well; that is, normally. One or two glasses of wine at the end of a hard tiring day, the sort of drinking that alcoholics aspire to, where it is so clearly deserved that there is no chink into which the usual guilty awareness can slink. Few and far between, those times, but aspired to constantly.

And the old owners of the new house, who are friends of friends which is the only reason we got it, came over to clear out the last of their stuff and very sweetly brought with them two bottles of nice wine, two of my favourite varietals, as a housewarming gift. I took them home, chilled them, and poured a large glass. For LH.

Oh, I know, there’s always a reason to drink, this one isn’t compelling or anything. I’m just getting flashes of – seriously? I’m seriously doing this sober thing? It was a whim! I just wanted to see if I could! I didn’t think it through! I didn’t mean it!

But of course I did. I’ve known for years that one day I’d have to give up forever. And I knew it wouldn’t be easy; in fact that’s good, that’s great, because it proves that I’m doing the right thing, and it gives me the best reason in the world to not start all over again, and I know perfectly well that I’d have to – start again, I mean. I can never drink normally.

So it’s all fine. Not going to drink. Just having a – if you’ll forgive the pun – little whine.

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7 thoughts on “I’m not going to drink, I just want a space to sulk about it

  1. I’ve known for years that I would have to quit completely one day, too. I still carried some serious denial, though! The more I work at it the more I know I don’t want to go back…life is better now. Have a whine…get it out…you are bravely conquering sobriety. 🙂

  2. Of course I always knew that one day I would have to give up forever…
    That’s strikes such a chord with me. I always knew…just delayed it for as long as I possibly could!
    Whine away. We are still grieving, as we always knew we would..

  3. Whine away. Whine and whine and moan and whine and moan some more. I just got an email from an extended family member who is organizing our Easter Holiday which says ‘I’ve got the Gin and Tonics ready”. Great. Sometimes it sucks. Most of the time it doesn’t. Most of the time sobriety is a glorious, magical, real, robust, honest, brave, cool thing to be. That’s what I think anyway. So they can have their booze. I’d rather take a healthy dose of self-respect any day. xxx

  4. Moving house sober is a massive deal – sounds like you’re doing amazingly well and handled the wine gift brilliantly. I moved house shortly before quitting, and though I was thinking about quitting I just thought, I can never manage this house move and that at the same time… I never cease to be impressed by people who quit just before house moves, big birthdays, christmas etc. Good on you. And much happiness in your new home. xxx

    • Thanks for this, especially, moretome. It has been a really tough week, tougher even than the first week or two were, and it was helpful to know that this isn’t unusual, so I could hang on and grit my teeth rather than panicking that it was tooo haaaaarrrrrddd and never going to get easier.

  5. Michelle, I’ve just published a follow up to this about how fine it actually was. I will say, though, that the whole week leading up to moving day, and the few days subsequent, have been harder than even the first two weeks were. So good luck with the move, but please use all of your support systems. Moving house is one of the most stressful things a person can do, so you’ll need to guard your sobriety throughout.

    Good luck and well done so far.

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