Yesterday. Day…17? Lovely husband is off on a business trip today, just overnight. And although I’ve been feeling great, I got weirdly anxious. Because his trips away were always a green light to drink without worrying about whether he was watching me (he never said anything about my drinking, by the way, I was just aware that I wanted to drink more than ‘normal’ and so I hid a lot of it), and as such I suddenly panicked that I’d relapse.
So I asked him to do the kids’ bedtime so I could get milk and bread from the shops. And at the shop I completely over compensated with treats. Fancy ginger ale, sweets, crisps, savoury treats, a new magazine. And even while I was loading those things in my trolley I was feeling the sick shame of not being able to control myself, that I’m fat and yet I binge, that I need to save money (we’ve just taken on a new mortgage) and yet I’m splurging, all of that.
And then I came home, unpacked the ‘official’ groceries and hid the rest in my fabric stash ottoman (which, you’ll have guessed, was my wine hiding spot).
Now, what’s that all about? I know that in these early times, this is ok, I mean the indulgence stuff. But it was basically a complete replication of my drinking behaviours. Should I, should I, oh fuck it why not it’s only food/wine but on the other hand other people might think its excessive and it’s quite nice to cradle something secret just for me, I’ll just hide it and then it’s all my own special treat. Just for security purposes. I might not even need it, but just in case…
And today, it’s all still there, I have no cravings at all, I think I’ll make my favourite lentil soup instead. Except that the treats are there now and I might as well eat them because otherwise LH will come home and see them all. Which, again, is totally how I related to wine. The point of this is to stop the obsess/guilt/relief cycle, dammit!