Who is at a business conference in a winery region. We like winery regions. We do tastings, we belong to a wine club, that sort of thing. I’ve mentioned that I never get drunk in public, or during the day, right?
Anyway. General chit chat. “I’m drinking a lovely bottle of red. You’d like it…err. If you were drinking.”
“Sounds good. I’m glad you get to have a nice time.”
(General chit chat, me mock-complaining that the technology in the house hates me tonight)
“You can have a gin and tonic if it gets too bad, you know!”
“Right, thanks. But no”
“But. Okay, but you are going to have a glass of champagne on our first night in the new house, right?”
“I don’t know. I’ll see. I don’t want to have a glass of champagne and decide that it’s okay to drink again. And I don’t want to go through giving up again”
“No pressure. But we’ve got all these nice bottles saved [ed: this is about 20 bottles that forms our special collection, nice ones we’ve splurged on over the years, some are 10-15 years old] , it’d be a shame if you could never share them”
“Sure. But if I start drinking again, I’ll start drinking again. And I don’t like where I am and I don’t want to go back there and I have probably gone past the point of being able to moderate”
“Well, sure, with alcohol in the house. But we won’t keep as much around. I’ll help!”
Me: excuses to get off the phone.
Fucks sake, frankly. I don’t want, I really don’t want to pull out the A word. And I know that it’s just him feeling expansive and replete with the good life; expensive bottle of red, two glasses, wishing I was there to share the good time with him.
And oh, would you look at that, there’s the voice. Well maybe you could moderate, if it was you and him both, and the temptation to drink more simply wasn’t an option (it is ALWAYS an option). One glass of champagne doesn’t count as a relapse surely, if it was one, with the understanding that I went back to sobriety afterwards…I mean not ‘one so therefore I can have one just one tomorrow, and two the next day because it’s Friday and oops I slipped and fell into a bottle, but just one, as a special occasion…
No. Fuck off fuck off fuck off. I can’t have alcohol, it’s just a thing. Some people can’t eat gluten, some people risk death if they have a nut, my best friend can never touch caffeine because of a heart condition. Another friend lost a baby and lives with that loss. Everyone lives with something they can never have. Mine is only alcohol. And nobody needs alcohol. So I’m very lucky.